An Open Letter To Parents

Dear Mom & Dad, 

Do you remember when you yelled at me last week because I forgot to clean my room? The truth is, I hadn’t forgotten it. I had just found out that my best friend has no problem talking shit behind my back. I felt betrayed. I couldn’t conjure the energy to even move. You called me lazy,  but I didn’t want my petty problems discussed. 

Dad, I know you are worried about my grades and I am too. But in the process of trying to ‘fit in’ among my friends, academics is taking a backseat. The thing is, I am terrified of not making enough friends. I am terrified that I will be bullied again. You don’t know this, but the last time it happened, I almost didn’t make it. 

I am sorry that I lied to you about going for a sleepover with my girls. I was actually at a club, trying to forget about my boyfriend who I found flirting with that same best friend who spoke shit about me. I wish I could tell you where I was but you’d freak out and worry. I wish I could tell you more about me. 

I often think about that vacation we took when I was 10, sometimes I think that was the only time I was truly happy. You let me bounce around in the snow until sunset and by the time we went back to the hotel room, I was shivering. You ran me a hot bath, cranked up the heat and cuddled with me till I felt warm again. Nobody makes me feel warm anymore, mom. 

I know you guys want me to hang out with you more often. You want me to sit and talk to you. Tell you what is going on. The truth is, I am scared that if I tell you what is truly going on, you would be disappointed in me. Between the struggle of maintaining friendships, balancing my grades and avoiding failure, I don’t have much positive news.

The truth is, I cry. I cry way more than I show and it doesn’t help when you tell me I could be more like some other girl who is the ideal daughter or at least pretends to be. Don’t you think I wish I could be better? Don’t you think I wake up every day, scroll through social media and compare myself to every single person out there? 

Anyway, I wouldn’t really tell you all of this. My therapist says I should let it out but we don’t talk about feelings, do we? All I really want is for you to tell me that you are proud of me, no matter what. But that’s just wishful thinking.

Don’t worry, I’ll clean my room…I promise.