As a privileged, Mumbai kid, a part of me, though I’d never admit it out loud, longed to be amongst the popular kids. You will soon learn that I am not bragging when I say this, but I was. At least when it came to school – I was surrounded by a large group of people who I thought were my friends, I had a ~boyfriend~, I was a back-bencher (who did better than some mid-benchers when it came to grades) and I was that confident, bold (read: mannerless), girl who pretended to not care about anyone.
When I joined junior college, I realised that I wasn’t cool at all. Being ‘cool’ meant hooking up, not having a boyfriend. Being ‘cool’ meant meeting up at joints for a smoke, which I didn’t. Being ‘cool’ meant going clubbing every Saturday, but I’d much rather spend my Saturday nights watching Jab We Met for the hundredth time. I spent two years feeling conflicted and out of place.
By the time I reached my degree college, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about trying to ‘fit in’ or being ‘cool’ and preferred staying unknown. I attended my lectures (twice in a week or so) and left immediately while others stayed back, chilled and had the time of their life. I stopped making friends actively. How I got out of my shell is a story for some other time, but I’ll get to the point I’m trying to make before I have you clicking out of this monologue.
From being someone who cared too much to someone who didn’t care at all to becoming someone who finds the right balance, I’ve come a long way. Of course, at this point, you must be wondering, “Tasneem, everyone finds their own balance, what’s the big deal?”
It’s this. My balance involves cutting off from almost every person in my life – barring, probably, 15. If you asked me how many people would I invite to my close, intimate wedding, I would name only 15. But let me be very frank when I say this – those 15 people? They are the ones I expect to actually show up at my open-for-all funeral.
I am done trying to have a huge friend circle whose birthday’s I can’t keep a track of. I am done trying to impress people with whom I’ve not discussed my passion. I am done being connected to people I have not had more than 5 proper conversations with on social media.
When I say I am done, I mean I won’t courtesy wish you on your birthday just because I saw it on your story. I won’t say, “Oh let’s meet, it has been so long.” without having any intentions to follow through with the plan. I won’t repost your art because ‘that’s what friends are supposed to do’, balls I’d rather repost a stranger’s work, that I actually appreciate.
I am getting good at it because not more than 2% of these people realise that I have cut them off. That’s the truth of it all. That’s the definition of what those relationships were in my life. The Surface Troopers, I’d like to call them. One’s who never cared about my existence beyond becoming a topic of gossip. Now they are somebody that I used to know. (Yes, I am quoting Gotye song lyrics, deal with it.) To tell you the truth, I have never felt more at peace. So If you’re looking for a sign to cut off your surface troopers, this is it. Just be unapologetic and unabashed and you will see how easy it was all along.
