In no way am I going to generalise it. I am aware that I am making a bold statement…maybe an inappropriate one? But I need to make it anyway. I need to record this time in my life and how I have surprised myself thoroughly with how I have responded to it. More important than the account of what happened, I feel like I need a moment to pat myself on the back and this blog is basically my way of doing it.
I’ve watched Jab We Met at least 40 times in the past 23 years of my life and through all the rewatches, something that always struck out like a sore thumb was the line ‘mai apni hi favourite hoon’. Why did it stick out? Cause I never felt like I would ever be able to relate to it. I have a hundred favourite things but I was never going to be a part of that list, was something I had made my peace with. It’s fine. Who cares. I don’t need to be my own favourite person, do I? Turns out….amongst the dark days, I emerged with a new sense of respect for myself.
Despite the shit show that’s running parallelly, I am able to identify qualities within myself that I didn’t know I was capable of. Grief has taught me the level of compassion I can have despite having a storm brewing within me. Grief has taught me that I can withstand the pain while working on a number of deadlines. Grief has taught me that despite what happens to me, I’m incapable of hatred but instead I have the power to see that what they do to me is nothing but a reflection of themselves. Above all, grief has taught me that even though it feels like the world is ending, I can still have the ability to forgive.
I used to stand in front of the mirror, begging for the mirror to change its reflection into a girl who looked far more beautiful than what I saw. I said, ‘if I had longer hair…I’d love myself’ or ‘If I had a slimmer waist…I’d love myself’. Turns out, I didn’t need any of that. I needed grief.
I needed to have my heart ripped from my chest. I needed to experience what it was like to have everything taken away…only to understand that even if I had myself in the whole world – I’d be enough. I’d be enough because I am strong as hell. And I don’t mean strong in a way that you’d never see me crumble. I crumble and how. But that’s another blog for another day. I just mean that despite the tough phases, I’m here. I’m alive. I’m breathing. I’m only moving forward.
Today, I look at myself in the mirror and see the invisible bruises covering all over my body and I am thankful for the blows. Thankful because I can finally stop noticing everything that’s wrong with me and affirm everything that is right. I can finally appreciate the struggle that comes with being the person I am and know that only I have the power to overcome that. I look in the mirror and see an extremely compassionate and strong woman and I love her. I respect her. I am proud to be her.
